100 Funny Father’s Day Quotes for Hilariously Relatable Humor (and Plenty of Love Too)

Father’s Day is that special day of the year when we not only celebrate our dads for their love and support but also for their bad dad jokes and barbecue mastery.

So in today’s post I’d like to give you a hand with that and share 100 of the wittiest and most relatable funny Fathers’s Day quotes.

Share one or a few of them with your dad or a father figure via a card. In a a text message or on social media like Instagram.

Or simply tell him a couple of them today to make him laugh about fatherhood and the many fierce challenges he has no doubt met so far.

Funny Father’s Day Quotes with Relatable Laughs

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
– Mark Twain

“Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.”
– Jim Gaffigan

“I rescind my early statement, ‘I could never fall in love with a girl who regularly poops her pants.’ I hadn’t met my daughter yet.”
– Dax Shepard

“I would rather drink a piping hot bowl of liquid rabies than get on a plane with my two children. At two years old they just have to rip all their clothes off and introduce themselves to everyone on the plane. It’s just like, ‘Please can we land in a farmer’s field?’”
– Ryan Reynolds

“You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
– Jim Gaffigan

“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything’s broken and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
– Ray Romano

“Men should always change diapers. It’s a very rewarding experience. It’s mentally cleansing. It’s like washing dishes, but imagine if the dishes were your kids, so you really love the dishes.”
– Chris Martin

“Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.”
– Greg Kinnear

“Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
– Martin Mull

“Booking plane tickets for a family trip is a fun little test to see if I still remember all my kids’ birthdays and genders.”
– Ken Jennings

“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
– Andy Richter

“You don’t need drugs when you have a [baby]. You’re awake, you’re paranoid, you smell bad… it’s the same thing.”
– Robin Williams

“The worst part about being a parent is when one of your kids farts and you have to pretend it wasn’t cool.”
– Rob Delaney

“12 weeks old: when your kid is young enough to fall asleep on your chest yet long enough to kick you in the nuts at the same time.”
– Lin-Manuel Miranda

“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.”
– David Frost

“When you first get them… you’re all excited, and you’re ready to do all these things. Then you realize it’s like getting a new cell phone where all the features don’t work yet. It’s like a phone [that] won’t take pictures, and you’re like ‘Why won’t my phone take pictures?!’ And it won’t make calls, and it doesn’t do a lot. But it looks really cute!”
– Ashton Kutcher

“When you got more than one kid, you just wake up angry.”
– Kevin Hart

The Best Funny Father’s Day Quotes on Fatherhood

“The first one, I almost became a doula. I was reading every book. I was ready. This one I haven’t done anything. I’m like, ‘Well, we didn’t break the first one.’”
– Ashton Kutcher

“You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They’ll do something that blows your mind and then they’ll spit all their food on the carpet.”
– Neil Patrick Harris

“The only way I can describe fatherhood – it sounds stupid, but – at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, you know how his heart grows like five times? Everything is full; It’s just full all the time.”
– Matt Damon

“The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.”
– Tim Russert

“Remember: What Dad really wants is a nap. Really.”
– Dave Barry

“A father carries pictures where his money used to be.”
– Steve Martin

“I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.”
– George W. Bush

“Never underestimate kids’ tenacity. Raising a child is like wrestling a small but relentless opponent.”
– Stephen Colbert

“Having a kid is like falling in love for the first time when you’re 12, but every day.”
– Mike Myers

“The nature of impending fatherhood is that you are doing something that you’re unqualified to do, and then you become qualified while doing it.”
– John Green

“I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.”
– Jimmy Kimmel

“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.”
– Jon Stewart

“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven visiting daddy’s freedom.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.”
– Kevin Hart

“For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That’s about all you need.”
– Will Ferrell

“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.”
– John Wilmot

“I feel like the success of parenthood is feeling like I failed all day today, but I get to wake up tomorrow and do it again and hopefully they turn out to be a good human being.”
– Justin Timberlake

“It is so embarrassing how I went from a person who did not care about anyone’s children. Then you have them, and you brag about the same stuff that you never cared about. And you tell people, he’s got four teeth like they care.”
– Seth Meyers

“Being a dad isn’t just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“I just sit there and make up songs and sing to [my son] in gibberish. I’m very good at gibberish now.”
– Elton John

Funny Father’s Day Quotes from a Daughter or Son

“A man knows he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.”
– Gabriel Garcia Marquez

“When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, ‘Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?’ He answered, ‘If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.’”
– Jerry Lewis

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say, ‘Yeah? When?’”
– Bill Hicks

“My daughter got me a ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug. So we know she’s sarcastic.”
– Bob Odenkirk

“The most ridiculous thing I have heard myself say is, ‘Do you want your pop-pop, your banky, or your baba?’ Translation: ‘Do you want your pacifier, your blanket or your bottle?’”
– Taye Diggs

“We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’”
– Erma Bombeck

“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”
– Spike Milligan

“I gave my father $100 and said, ‘Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.’ So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”
– Rita Rudner

“Even though I’m proud my dad invented the rearview mirror, we’re not as close as we appear.”
– Stewart Francis

“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.”
– Dave Attell

“My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.”
– Jim Gaffigan

“Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn’t teach me everything he knows.”
– Al Unser

“Four-year-old: ‘Tell me a scary story!’ Me: ‘One time, little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions.’ Four-year-old: ‘Why?’”
– James Breakwell

“Me and my dad used to play tag. He’d drive.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

“To be a successful father, there’s one absolute rule: When you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
– Ernest Hemingway

“How come my 3-year-old son knows every species and genus of dinosaur and I can’t even remember my home phone number?”
– Taye Diggs

“I used to say ‘I would take a bullet for you, I could never love anything as much as I love you.’ I would say that to my wife, but the second I looked into that baby’s eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield.”
– Ryan Reynolds

Funny Father’s Day Quotes Filled with Hilarious Humor and Inspirational Love

“I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day. If it was socially acceptable, I’d be the first one to have my kid in a full helmet and, like, a cage across his face mask.”
– Will Arnett

“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24 to 36 hours.”
– Conan O’Brien

“Missing your child’s first walk proves you are a father.”
– Stephen Colbert

“Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.’”
– Jim Gaffigan

“My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.”
– Jeff Foxworthy

“The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, the second half by our children.”
– Clarence Darrow

“Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.”
– Jimmy Fallon

“By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
– Charles Wadsworth

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.”
– Ed Asner

“I think [parenthood] brings out the child in all of us. That’s what’s so beautiful. It reminds you of the fascination you had with things, and how you can spend hours just being with someone. It’s amazing.”
– Chris Hemsworth

“If you’re not yelling at your kids, you aren’t spending enough time with them.”
– Mark Ruffalo

“My sisters and I can still recite Dad’s grilling rules: Rule No. 1: Dad is in charge. Rule No. 2: Repeat Rule No. 1.”
– Connie Schultz

“The nicest Father’s Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.”
– Dave Barry

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me.”
– Jimmy Valvano

“My children’s happiness, their safety, and their well-being, is the most paramount thing in my life. You just want to protect them at all costs.”
– John Krasinski

“Getting a burp out of your little thing when she needs it is probably the greatest satisfaction I’ve come across at this point in my life. It is truly one of life’s most satisfying moments.”
– Brad Pitt

“A father’s words are like a thermostat that sets the temperature in the house.”
– Paul Lewis

“Teenagers should be an affliction. Like, ‘Hey, Will, how you doing?’ ‘Man, I got teenagers. Simplex 2, man, Simplex 2.’ It takes everything you have to raise teenagers.”
– Will Smith

“There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.’”
– Jim Gaffigan

“I don’t have to prepare to be wrapped around my daughter’s finger. I have been wrapped around her little finger since the day she plopped out into this world.”
– Ryan Reynolds

“I watch my daughter wanting to be like other kids and getting upset that she’s not. But I always try and instill in her the idea that she’s perfect as she is.”
– Idris Elba

“It’s legitimately the greatest thing ever… It just makes me want to be better.”
– Ashton Kutcher

“I’m probably the most uncool guy that [my daughters] know – as far as they are concerned anyway – ’cause I’m Dad. I mean dads just aren’t cool – especially when I dance! They don’t want me to dance.”
– Tim McGraw

“I have a lot of kids. I say a lot because I don’t know the real number.”
– Jim Gaffigan

Short, Funny and Uplifting Father’s Day Quotes

“I hope I’m at least half the dad that he didn’t have to be.”
– Brad Paisley

“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”
– Harry S. Truman

“I talk and talk and talk, and I haven’t taught people in 50 years what my father taught by example in one week.”
– Mario Cuomo

“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.”
– Red Buttons

“Good parenting means investing in your child’s future, which is why I am saving to buy mine a hoverboard someday.”
– Lin Manuel Miranda

“The best fathers have the softest, sweetest hearts. In other words, great dads are real marshmallows.”
– Richelle E. Goodrich

“Being a great father is like shaving. No matter how good you shaved today, you have to do it again tomorrow.”
– Reed Markham

“Dads are most ordinary men turned by love into heroes, adventurers, storytellers, singers of songs.”
– Pam Brown

“My father taught me to work hard, laugh often and keep my word.”
– Michelle Obama

“Success, and even life itself, wouldn’t be worth anything if I didn’t have my children by my side. They mean everything to me.”
– Jude Law

“Everybody takes daddy for granted. Just listen to the radio: Everything’s momma. What’s the dad song? ‘Papa Was a Rolling Stone.’”
– Chris Rock

“I’ve never been part of anything so great as those three kids.”
– Al Roker

“The quality of a father can be seen in the goals, dreams, and aspirations he sets not only for himself but for his family.”
– Reed Markham

“Everyone can be a father, but it takes a lot to be a dad.”
– Wade Boggs

“A girl’s father is the first man in her life and probably the most influential.”
– David Jeremiah

“He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.”
– Clarence B. Kelland

“A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.”
– Frank A. Clark

“Any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad.”
– Anne Geddes

“Life doesn’t come with an instruction book – that’s why we have fathers.”
– H. Jackson Browne

Want more inspiration for Father’s Day and this summer? Then check out these short Happy Father’s Day quotes, the inspirational Father’s Day quotes here and also the inspirational June quotes in this post. Plus, this one with inspirational summer quotes and this one with funny summer quotes.