Ask the Virtual Dating Expert

During this period of self-isolation, quarantining, and when life seems so uncertain, it’s not unusual to reach out to old friends, family members, and of course, the ex who’s still on your mind.

Whether you’re sending a text to rekindle the spark, or just because you really care about their being, now’s the perfect time to reach out and say hello.

Chris, a reader sent in this question to Ask the Cyber-Dating Expert on this subject.

Dear Julie,

I hope you’re staying safe and healthy during this crazy time.

I’m reaching out because I could really use some advice. I would like to reach out to my ex, but I’m not sure what is the best approach.

We stopped speaking eight years ago, and I tried calling her 3 years ago, but received no response (please note, I sent her a follow-up text). I’m assuming this was her way of saying no.

If given the opportunity, I would try to take the approach of showcasing to her the new person I am but haven’t had the chance.

When we stopped speaking, we were 20 and didn’t end on the best of terms, but I feel like now that we’re two older adults, eight years later, maybe things could be different. Please note, she lives in New York, and I’ve been living in L.A. for the past six years.

Would reaching out to her again after my previous attempt even be worth it?

Thank you Julie. Any and all guidance would be appreciated.

Chris

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Dear Chris,

Thanks for reaching out. You’re not alone.

It’s been a busy time with people connecting on dating apps to meet someone new, and a lot of singles are reaching out to an ex to check in and make sure they’re safe during COVID-19.

If you try to reach out, it can’t jump in to sell the “new you” to her, and should only do so to show your concern for her health and well-being.

If you take the “look at the new me,” approach, she may feel like you’re pressuring her into an instant relationship and have ulterior motives, and it will backfire for sure, and most likely result in you getting ghosted again.

Plus, we don’t know if she’s in a relationship, or the thought about entering a long-distance relationship is something of no interest to her, especially with someone where there was a bad breakup.

For now, you’ve still got her on a pedestal, reliving past memories and hoping for a new future, which isn’t realistic.

WATCH: What to Do if He Only Wants to Text Me

Keep in mind, you don’t even know what she’s like in today’s time, eight years later. Perhaps her personality has changed, and you won’t like the “new her,” and if you met today, it wouldn’t be a fit.

Still, try to stay in the friend zone, because that’s all anyone’s ex can be right now, it’s the perfect time to reach out to her in a text to say: 

“Hi (insert name), I hope you’re safe and well during this crazy time.” Then add your first name.

Don’t ask her to answer a bunch of questions, don’t ask her about her relationship status and if she’s seeing anyone, or would consider getting back together.

Living in the past can haunt you, as you try to navigate love moving forward, which is an ideal time, as 75% of singles on the Love Poll in Dating in the Age of COVID-19 say they’re looking for a meaningful and long-term relationship.

If there’s any time to reach out, it would be now, but don’t start jumping into lengthy text exchanges, and don’t be surprised if you don’t hear back.

Reaching out once the crisis is over would be less genuine, so now’s the time to show you care, with no expectations. Consider your ex, an old friend, and everyone changes in the course of close to a decade.

Start looking for someone online who’s terrific and wants to meet someone just like you. If you’ve truly evolved in the past eight years, someone will benefit from your self-growth.

Keep me posted!

Julie

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert and the founder of Cyber-Dating Expert. She’s been coaching singles on finding love online for over 25 years, and as a virtual dating expert, helps singles master video dating with her Dress Rehearsal service.

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert. She’s an award-winning dating coach who’s been helping singles find love online for 25+ years. Follow @JulieSpira on IG.