How To Trust Someone Again After They Hurt You

Betrayal by a loved one is one of the hardest things to get over which leaves us wondering, “How to trust someone again?” or “Is it possible to trust someone again?” We all come into relationships with a certain degree of vulnerability and hope that our partners won’t break our hearts. Unfortunately, as human beings, we make mistakes, we mess up, we break hearts, and get our hearts broken. We can’t help but sometimes find ourselves saying, “I am feeling vulnerable because my trust was broken.” We suddenly find it extremely difficult to trust people.

And then we knock at Google’s door to ask, “How to trust someone again after they lied?” Our trust and faith in someone are like glass. You can still see the broken lines after gluing the pieces together. Quite similarly, when trust is broken in a relationship, you are left with the scars of betrayal or cheating. Learning how to trust again after cheating or building trust after betrayal becomes a daunting challenge.

But sometimes, people genuinely regret breaking the trust of a dear one. They feel mortified seeing the pain they are causing you. It’s not exactly a walk in the park for them either. True that you need a lot of courage and emotional strength to trust your partner after lying has taken hold in your relationship. But, if their remorse is genuine, you may choose to take that chance. Find it in your heart to trust people again.

It takes a great deal of effort and good intentions to rebuild trust in a relationship. Unless both partners are on the same page, and willing to honestly work on the relationship, it’s not going to be easy to attach the broken pieces. So, how to trust the same person again after they hurt you after they broke every promise that they made to you? Is it possible to trust again after cheating? Jui Pimple, an emotive behavior therapist with an M.A. in Psychology, has some tips and expert insights for you.

How To Decide Whether You Should Trust Your Partner Again

Deciding whether to trust your partner again after they’ve hurt you requires a crisp evaluation. Start by examining the severity of their actions and the impact they had on your relationship. Was it a minor hiccup or a major breach of trust? Next, observe their remorse and efforts to make amends. Do they genuinely acknowledge their mistake and take responsibility, or do they brush it off like crumbs on a table? If their remorse is sincere and they actively work to rebuild trust, like a determined baker perfecting a recipe, it might be worth considering giving them a second chance.

However, don’t ignore your own feelings and boundaries. Trust is like a delicate soufflé; once it’s deflated, it’s not easy to reinflate. Take time to assess your emotional well-being and whether you feel safe and respected in the relationship. Engage in open and honest communication, and see if they actively listen and address your concerns. If their actions align with their words and they consistently demonstrate positive change, it may be a sign that trusting them again could be a flavorful possibility. But if their efforts fall flat or they repeat past mistakes, it might be best to savor your own peace of mind and consider moving forward to a more nourishing relationship. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself before you decide either way:

• Has your partner taken genuine responsibility for their actions?
• Have they demonstrated consistent efforts to change their bad behavior?
• Can you effectively communicate and rebuild emotional safety?
• Do you genuinely believe in their potential for growth and change?

Related Reading: 10 Steps To Recover If You’re Being Fooled By Someone You Love

Trusting Someone Again After They Hurt You – Tips By An Expert

When some or all of the signs of lack of trust in relationship have become evident and you realize you have been betrayed by someone you trusted implicitly, you’ll be left wondering, “How to trust someone again after they lied?” Trust is, after all, one of the foundation blocks of any healthy relationship, and once gone, can be hard to rebuild. To understand how to trust someone again after they hurt you, it’s important to establish clear definitions of what trust means in your relationship or more importantly what it means to you now.

“Trust also means having enough faith in yourself to be open and vulnerable with your partner after they have hurt you,” says Jui, “And once you have reached a space where you feel safe with them again, you’ll also have to trust yourself enough to have firm relationship boundaries. Only you can decide whether you’re ready for it or not.”

When trust is broken in a relationship, trusting your partner again is a conscious decision that should not be forced upon you. You have no obligation to return to a toxic situation. Take your time to heal and set clear boundaries before considering giving them a second chance. Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and effort, so engage in open and honest communication and establish ground rules. Spend quality time together to assess your compatibility and perspectives. Remember, it won’t be easy, but these 11 tips on re-establishing trust can help you move forward and find some solace in your journey.

Related Reading: 11 Ways Being Cheated On Changes You

1. Take time to grieve

When someone breaks your trust, take your time to grieve and heal. View the betrayal as a loss and allow yourself to mourn. Recognize that rebuilding trust will change the dynamics of the relationship. Embrace your emotions and give yourself space to process them fully. It is okay to accept the fact that you’re hurting and say, “I am feeling vulnerable because my trust was broken. I will never trust you again.”

“Grief is hard to process,” Jui warns, “And it’s tempting to pretend things are better than they are and that you’re doing fine. But letting your feelings build up and boil over is not a healthy way for you or your relationship. You can’t rebuild trust if you’re holding onto the feelings you never allowed yourself to feel.”

How do you trust someone again after they cheat? Well, a good first step is not to brush your feelings under the carpet. You have every right to be bewildered, angry, and sad. Feel your feelings and honor them before starting to let them go. Only then can you trust again after infidelity.

Related Reading: 8 Steps To Completely Forgive Someone Who Cheated On You And Feel The Peace

2. Communicate your feelings

Rebuilding trust after betrayal requires addressing communication problems. Although the urge to vent angrily may be strong, it’s crucial to find healthier ways to express your feelings. Consider journaling to release your emotions or confiding in trusted friends who can provide validation and support. Trusting your partner again involves breaking the silence and initiating a conversation when you feel ready. While others may make you wonder if you took the right decision, it’s important to assert your choice rationally.

Openly communicate your emotions and thoughts to your partner, allowing them to understand the impact of their actions on your trust. Remember, rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time, and effective communication is a key component. By finding constructive outlets for your emotions and expressing your feelings to your partner, you can pave the way for healing and potentially restoring trust in your relationship.

“When you are ready to communicate with your partner, do so firmly and politely,” Jui says, “They should understand what you’re going through and see that you’re trying to help sustain this relationship. If you’re unable to draw up any tender feelings for your partner, communicate that as well, so they know where things are going.”

3. Listen and hear them out

You might be hesitant, thinking, “Why should I listen to my cheating partner? I’m feeling vulnerable and hurt.” But you also keep puzzling over “How can I trust again after being hurt.” We understand your skepticism, but learning how to love again after being hurt involves some level of listening. While you don’t have to accept their excuses or shift blame onto yourself, hearing your partner out can provide insight into the reasons behind their betrayal and help you understand their perspective. “I hear you” are the strongest trust words in a relationship.

By looking them in the eye and actively listening, you can gain clarity on any relationship issues and determine necessary changes moving forward. Though trust is shattered, recognizing the underlying problems allows you to begin a new chapter and work towards rebuilding trust in a more informed manner.

“When listening, stay open and alert,” Jui advises, “Don’t be carried away by sensitive, soft words; rather try and get to know the intention behind the words. Don’t let preconceived notions or judgment cloud your mind while listening.”

Related Reading: 12 Ways To Get Your Husband To Listen To You

4. Get your own space

Living with a partner who has betrayed you can be incredibly challenging and toxic. Constantly facing them as a reminder of the broken trust can hinder the healing process. Taking some time away, like staying with a friend or finding your own space, allows you to collect your thoughts and regain perspective.

If possible, suggest that your partner also find a temporary living arrangement, whether it’s with family or friends nearby. Communicate your need for space and time to sort through your emotions. Remember, when contemplating how to trust again after betrayal, creating distance from a toxic relationship can be a healthy step toward healing. Even if you are willing to give the relationship another chance, reconnecting with someone who broke your heart will take time.

According to Juhi, getting your own space when you’re hurt and confused can help you in the following ways:

• Getting your own place offers a dedicated space for healing and reflection, free from reminders of betrayal
• Living independently empowers you and helps rebuild self-esteem, fostering a sense of control over your life
• Having your own place allows for establishing new routines and a fresh start, separate from the pain caused by the betrayal

5. Practice forgiveness

“How do you trust someone again after they cheat?”, “How can I trust again after being hurt?”, “How to forgive your partner for lying?” You may find yourself agonizing over questions like these. Wouldn’t it be nice if we were all wonderfully loving beings who forgave each other easily at all times? But, we’re not, and certainly not when a romantic partner has betrayed us and we’re plotting ways to bring them down!

So, what to do when someone betrays your trust? You cannot take a step ahead without a forgiving mindset, and that too, only if you want to save the relationship. I know, easier said than done to let go of something so horrible. But if you don’t, you will be holding onto the same grudge five months later and nobody can be happy in the relationship.

Like active listening, forgiveness in relationships, too, is an action you’ll need to practice every day as you attempt to trust somebody again after they hurt you. According to Jui, some ways in which you could actively forgive your partner’s transgressions are:

• Mindfulness: Acknowledge and remind yourself that forgiveness clears your mind and promotes healthy and positive thoughts, all of which are better for your own health and peace of mind
• Perspective: Try and understand your partner’s personality traits, situation, and past experiences that may have manifested in what they did to you. When you understand better, you forgive better
• Emotional replacement: Negative, unforgiving thoughts can be replaced with positive, reinforcing ones. You could try and focus on the good memories you and your partner have every time you think of their betrayal

It’s easy to respond to “How do you trust someone again after they cheat?” with “Forgive them”. But forgiveness doesn’t come spontaneously when you’re hurting and you will have to work at it, it takes time.

6. Let the past go

Bringing up past wrongs in the heat of an argument may feel tempting, but it only hinders the process of repairing a broken relationship. Resentment and vengeful thoughts will corrode your ability to trust again. To truly move forward, it’s essential to let go of the past and free yourself from the cage of anger and bitterness.

Constantly dwelling on past betrayals prevents the growth and healing necessary for regaining trust in a relationship. Instead, focus on learning from the past and embracing a future without old grudges. Holding onto negativity will only weigh you down, hindering the potential for a healthier and happier relationship.

We understand that hearing them accept, “I lied and ruined my relationship” will soothe your pain but, when learning to trust again after a bad relationship, resist using past transgressions as ammunition. Disagreements will arise, but allowing the past to dictate present conflicts will impede progress. Let go of the past and embrace the opportunity to build a fresh foundation of trust.

Related Reading: Making Peace With Your Past: 13 Wise Tips

7. Learn to trust yourself

Regaining trust in a relationship after being cheated on involves rebuilding your self-confidence and self-esteem. Trusting yourself is crucial before trusting your partner again. Have confidence in the choice you’ve made to give the relationship another chance and trust in your ability to overcome any obstacles that arise. Remember that even in the face of broken trust, you can trust your instincts and heart to navigate through the healing process.

“There’s no point trying to rebuild trust in a partner if you’re floundering yourself,” Jui says, “Your inner strength and convictions are what will carry you through this tough time and that’s what you need to focus on first. It’s like how you put on your oxygen mask first before helping anyone else.”

8. Avoid being the victim

‘Victim’ is a terribly passive term and seems to denote someone who has no say and no control over what is happening in their lives. When you constantly see yourself as a victim, you become someone to whom things happen, rather than someone who makes things happen.

You’re a survivor. You get to be sad, you get to wallow, and you get to articulate that terrible things have happened to you. But what happens now? Do you control the narrative or do you simply label yourself a victim and let things happen to you? To learn to trust again, you have got to be confident in your own skin.

Here are a few things that you should keep in mind about victimizing yourself according to Juhi:

• Constantly labeling yourself thus can keep you from making active choices and conscious decisions that will help you rebuild trust and have faith in your own strength and ability to move past tough times
• Take charge of your own life and make things happen for you
• Most importantly, stop seeking external validation for your excellent qualities

Related Reading: Manipulation In Relationships – 11 Subtle Signs You Are A Victim

9. Consider the future

If you want an honest answer to how to fix a relationship with trust issues or rather how do you trust someone again after they cheat, you should know that not all trust building exercises for couples after infidelity will be about you and your partner wanting to stay together. But, for the sake of the future and the greater good of your family, building trust after betrayal will be essential.

Consider your life and everyone in it, if you ever attempt to rebuild trust with your partner. Who will be affected in the long term? You certainly will be, as will the children and any extended family you share. Even if you decide not to stay together, attempt to rebuild trust so that you’re both happier as co-parents and as individuals. Maybe you’ll no longer share a romantic bond but there can be trust and respect, and a healthy family environment that works well for everyone.

“Look ahead and think about what you want,” Jui says, “Do you want to stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids, do you want to separate for a while, or do you want to genuinely give things another chance? The degrees and kinds of trust you build will depend on your decision and how you see the future.”

10. Have clear boundaries

Rebuilding trust after being hurt requires establishing and respecting boundaries within the relationship. It is crucial to have open discussions about new boundaries that need to be set and reinstating old ones. Addressing situations like workplace interactions and potential attraction to others is important. It is also important to establish quality time expectations and time management for the relationship.

Talk about how to navigate these scenarios and establish boundaries that both partners are comfortable with. While compromise can be considered, it is important to be firm in setting non-negotiable boundaries. Having practical and honest conversations about boundaries will contribute to gaining trust back and maintaining a healthy relationship moving forward. You have to keep in mind that only you are responsible for your happiness.

According to Juhi, establishing clear boundaries helps you rebuild trust in your relationship in the following ways:

• Setting clear boundaries establishes a foundation of respect and mutual understanding
• Clear boundaries provide a sense of safety and security, allowing you to regain trust gradually
• Boundaries help prevent further bad behaviors and create a framework for rebuilding trust
• By communicating and enforcing boundaries, you demonstrate self-worth and establish expectations for a healthier future

Related Reading: How To Heal After Being Cheated On And Stay Together

11. Seek professional help

To trust after betrayal is a heart-rending journey and you may find yourself weak and helpless in the process. You don’t have to handle all of this alone. And it always helps to have an impartial, professional ear to listen to and help you sift through the painful muddle in your head. Having someone you cant trust in your corner is vital during such times. You could start out by going to a counselor yourself and eventually go for couple’s therapy. Skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel of experts are always here for you.

Remember there’s absolutely no shame in asking for help and going to a professional doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Grief, anger, and betrayal are all valid reasons to talk to someone and will help you navigate your way back to a place from where you can start gaining trust back. Therapy also establishes a routine and pattern in your life which is great for when you’re feeling low and do not have the energy to take care of yourself. Remember, loving yourself, self-respect, and self-care are important at this stage, and getting help is a big part of that.

“Counseling and therapy mean that you’re getting an outside perspective from a professional who sees every side of your situation,” Jui says, “It’s healthy to hear a narrative from someone who’s not too close to you to be able to see things clearly.” How to trust someone again after they hurt you is one of the trickiest relationship terrains you’ll ever have to navigate. Understand that no matter how much love and effort you pour into it, your relationship will not go back to what it was before.

There are now cracks and fissures in your bond and you know that your partner is capable of hurting you in a way you hadn’t thought was possible. You will both be more cautious with each other and it will take a while before you’re able to open up and trust them again. And it still might not be the same.

On final thoughts, whether it’s about repairing a broken relationship with someone you hurt or someone who has betrayed you, there’s no ready-made map for this journey. Now that you have chosen to work toward rebuilding your relationship, you might have to approach it as a whole new relationship with completely new rules and expectations.

So, if you ask us, “Can you fall back in love with someone who hurt you?” or “Is trust recovery possible after duplicity?”, we’d say yes! As with most people and relationships, if you choose each other every day and communicate clearly if you’ve promised to tackle everything that comes your way together, there’s every chance you’ll repair and rebuild your trust all over again.

This article was updated in July, 2023

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