“Me” Thinking – A Relationship Killer

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me!

Although we don’t often realize it, “me” is often the insidious foiler of many relationships. In a relationship there are two people, two distinct individuals that for various reasons meet, become attracted to each other on various levels and enter into a long-term relationship. In such a relationship, we usually feel a unique connectivity that we do not experience with other people in our life. We feel as though we know each other in ways that no one else knows us. We seem to know what each other is thinking and we even begin to finish each other’s sentences. This feeling of oneness is a beautiful and an exciting feeling, which produces very passionate emotions within us. We feel as though we are joined at the hip and life is more blissful because we have each other. We exchange warm touches and knowing smiles, our eyes connect and we melt.

All is going wonderful and then it happens. We are still feeling blissful and wonderful about our relationship, yet the other person feels as though he/she is disconnected a little bit. They don’t seem as blissful as they usually are and we immediately want to know why. “How can this be” we ask ourselves, “I still feel great, nothing has changed on my end, hmmm, maybe he/she is getting bored with me, or maybe I did something wrong that I am unaware of, or maybe she/he has found someone better then me, or maybe she/he no longer finds me attractive, I did put on a couple of pounds”. See the recurring theme here, it’s “me“! We get so hung up on this “me” thinking! Once we do this, then our perspective of everything the other person says and does changes. We start to analyze every action, every word they utter, and every action they take or don’t take. We begin to focus our thoughts on these changed perceptions of our relationship and then we even get so caught up in the flurry of thoughts that we have concocted that we begin to badger the other person with questions or worse yet accusations of how they are treating us.

All this because we are focused on the “me”. At this point our ego is in overdrive, we become hypersensitive, we become moody and the very things that we feared were wrong begin to manifest because we become such a crazy person about things imagined. Now at this point they all seem very real, however the reality is that most of the time, it is all in our mind and we are a far cry from reality. We may even take this to the point where it breaks down what was a wonderful relationship.

Why did we do this? Because we got hung up on the “me” and forgot that there was another person involved. Another person who is dynamic and has multi-faceted things going on in their life and as much as we would love to believe that we are the complete center of their Universe and the be all to end all, the reality is, their life is full of other things. Things like work, children, their health, friends, family, bills, plans, etc which all impact the way they may act or react on any given day and that all of these things in their life and all of the roles that they play in a day, maybe causing them to have an off day or off week, etc which has nothing to do with you or your relationship.  Matter of fact, she/he is wonderful with you and your relationship, however the other things in their life is causing them to seem like they are disconnected from you, where in reality they are not at all disconnected from you. Truth is, at that moment they need you more than ever.

Bottom line, in a relationship, it’s not always about you! I know this may come as a blow to your ego, but it truly isn’t.

This reminds me of an old stand-up comedy routine that Bill Cosby did in his early days. He would walk in the house when he came home from work, take one look at his wife and know from the look on her face and the fire in her eyes that there was trouble! He said he was always so relieved when she said, “Go upstairs and KILL the children”. He claimed how relieved he was that her anger was not about him and that with a gleeful smile he would ascend the stairs to gladly “kill” the children.

He had learned a valuable relationship lesson, that it’s not always about “me”, nor do you want it to be.

When you hear yourself complaining to yourself about the other person in your life, listen to how many times you talk about how it affects you. Then stop and thing about what is happening in their life, it could be something going on at work, it could be a health issue, it could be a variety of things. Focus on how you can help, remove the spotlight from yourself, listen and ask thoughtful, caring questions. You will be amazed how many times it’s not about you or your relationship.