Should I Break Up With My Girlfriend? 12 Signs You Should

We don’t mean to play the devil’s advocate here, but if you’re wondering, “Should I break up with my girlfriend?”, deep down you probably already know the answer. You’ve come to us for a reason. You are only pondering this sixty-four-thousand-dollar question because the signs that we are going to talk about have probably crossed your mind already. 

Together, we’ll dive deeper into those latent feelings that are perhaps niggling at your heart, telling you something’s not quite right with your relationship. Whether you’re asking, “Should I break up with my girlfriend if she cheated on me?” or wrestling with the “I want to break up with my girlfriend but I feel bad” dilemma, we’re here to tell you that it’s all right to put yourself first. Ending a relationship for self-preservation does not make you selfish or self-serving.

A new love interest comes with a fog that renders us unable to look at the flaws in the relationship, especially during the honeymoon phase. It is only later that we begin to notice the cracks in the relationship widening. So instead of ignoring these signs and wallowing in denial, it’s time to face the fact head-on and take the necessary changes. 

12 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend 

You might have loved her so much that you even adopted a dog with her. Or perhaps you two know each other’s shopping habits so well, you are great at buying things for each other. Maybe she’s perfected the complicated art of making your morning protein pancakes and you know exactly what gifts she hates getting on her birthday. 

Despite all these perfect little things on the surface, the feelings of, “Should I break up with my girlfriend?” might still creep in. But now that doubts about the future of your apparently ‘healthy’ relationship have popped up in your mind more than once, it’s imperative that you take note of and get to the root of the underlying reasons that are making you re-evaluate the entire relationship.

Think of this article as a mirror, because we are going to give you the truth. We’ll list the different possibilities that may have triggered the breakup thoughts in your mind. If you’re constantly grappling with the question, “How to know when to break up with your girlfriend?”, these scenarios might offer you some clarity:  

Related Reading: 21 Dos And Don’ts Of Breaking Up With Your Girlfriend

1. You just can’t accept her past?

Maybe you disagreed with who she was in the past or can’t come around to the fact that she still hangs out with her exes. If it’s bothering you that much, it’s probably something you can’t repair and that’s our number one concern. Don’t beat yourself up though. You are not the first person on earth to be bothered by their partner’s past relationships and experiences to the point of having second thoughts.

Research shows previous cohabitating relationships often cast a negative impact on present married or cohabitating relationships. Say, it’s been over a year and you still struggle to make peace with her high-school drug addiction phase. Then break her the bad news because you probably will never learn to love her for the same. And this by any means is not a feeble attempt to show her down for having a life of an individual before and after you came into her world.

A clean break is the only way you stay true to her and to yourself and reclaim your peace of mind. This way at least you don’t have to pretend every day that all is well while still agonizing over thoughts like “She is stuck in the past and I can’t deal with it. Are these signs I should break up with my girlfriend?”

2. Should I part ways with my girlfriend because of her family?

When venturing into the deeper trenches of a serious relationship, you might be able to put up with all your girlfriend’s annoying habits, but getting along with her family is another ballpark. If you think you two will eventually live together, get married, or want to be life partners, considering her family dynamics is just as important as knowing her political inclinations.

If she comes from a dysfunctional family,  it’s only a matter of time before the drama engulfs you too. Not to mention the enormous emotional baggage and trauma she carries on account of being raised in a toxic, abusive, or emotionally distant household. You may not have the emotional bandwidth to deal with something so all-consuming, and that’s okay. Being honest is what’s more important even if that leads you to break up with someone.

It’s not always serious issues like toxicity or dysfunctional family dynamics. Maybe her father disrespects you at all family events or maybe you and her sister just never get along. These scenarios could also have you asking yourself, “Should I break up with my girlfriend even though I love her?” I wish we could tell you that love is all it takes for a relationship to run smoothly. These problems might seem like little creases that can be ironed away instantly, but if they keep recurring, they will adversely impact your relationship in the long run. 

Related Reading: Healthy Family Dynamics — Understanding The Types And Roles

3. Break up with her if she has twisted intentions

“How to know when to break up with your girlfriend?” If she’s happier to see your credit card than your smile, it’s a glaring sign you should have ended it long ago. Or if she zips up and walks out the moment you two are done doing the deed, are you sure she likes you the way you think she does? 

If she just wants your money or only treats you like a rebound relationship and leaves you sinking in the hollow in your heart wondering whether she is as emotionally invested in you as you think, then we don’t care how pretty or smart she is. It’s time to sever ties with her and you know that’s the best thing for your emotional and mental health.

As your very own relationship expert, Bonobolgy suggests you understand the pulse of a romantic partner to see what they are really in for and whether you both are on the same page before you get too cozy in love. We believe, this is the right time to question yourself, “Should I break up with my girlfriend?” when there are clear signs of indifference and manipulation on her part.

4. Should I break up with my girlfriend even though I love her but my friends don’t like her?

Not all the relationship advice from your family and friends have to be treated like the Oracle when there are many many signs you should not break up. But pay a little closer attention if they have something serious to say about your relationship. Don’t ignore that friend’s advice who has always been looking out for you and who you really trust.

11 out of 10 people say that they should have just listened to their friends in the first place. Sometimes love blinds you and makes you unable to see the things that a third person with relevant experience can point out instantly. Brad, a software engineer in my neighborhood, had been going out with his coworker, Jeanine.

All of Brad’s other work friends told him that this office romance was going to take a hit because Jeanine just wasn’t the girl for him.  Consumed by all the naughty office sex and the late-night dates, Brad couldn’t see that his friends were right about her. And as you know, since Adam, it’s just basic human nature to do exactly what they are told not to do.

Two months later, Brad lost interest in Jeanine because once the sex started getting old, he realized he didn’t find her that interesting at all. If you end up with the wrong girl and your friends tell you so over and over again, perhaps that’s your first clue to ‘when to break up with someone’.

5. Should I leave the relationship because there is no more intimacy?

You don’t have to be a sex-craving maniac to make a relationship work, but neither can you be a sex-starved celibate, because that sure is to make your connection go downhill. If you used to have mind-blowing sex before and now, the sexless relationship you find yourself in is only a recent development, think long and hard because there could be other, bigger issues at play here.

For instance, perhaps, you suspect her of cheating, there is insecurity in the relationship or you struggle to trust each other. Or, it highly bothers you how she uses sex as a tool for emotional manipulation in order to get her way. When a relationship is riddled with such chronic issues, intimacy is often the first thing to go out the window.  

Other people might take you for a shallow individual if you call it quits on a long-term relationship over bad sex. But we get you because intimacy is such an important aspect that the lack of it often signifies that you and your partner are drifting apart and you’re not shallow to be concerned about that. It could also be an indication of waning attraction or a case of flatlining sexual tensions. So, it’s alright if you don’t want to sign up for a lifetime of an average sexual relationship.

Related Reading: 9 Reasons Your Girlfriend Is Mean To You And 5 Things You Can Do

6. Should I break up with my girlfriend for another girl?

Yes, because if there is another girl, then you don’t even need to read the rest of this post. We highly recommend you head over to her house and come clean with her about what’s really happening in your heart. If you are ever thinking of leaving her for another woman or are suffering any pangs of cheating guilt, this story has already come to an end. 

You can think, “I want to break up with my girlfriend but I feel bad” all you want but the fact that you have feelings for someone else (irrespective of whether you’ve acted on those feelings or not) means that you’re going to cause her hurt no matter how much you detest the idea. It’s best to rip off the band-aid sooner rather than later.

Guess what? People change. They move on. The fact that you find another person attractive and that you have allowed yourself to get swept up in these feelings means that your first relationship is already over. Don’t try to be a savior, because it’s too late now. If the question “Should I break up with my girlfriend for another girl?” is already raised, it’s best to break things off before they get too messy. 

7. Our future goals do not align – leave or not to leave?

Like we said earlier, the complicated past of your girlfriend may or may not offer your relationship an expiration date. But when it’s a question of different visions for your future, it should definitely end. In case, this is a casual relationship that is only meant to last as long as the thrill of most short-lived romances does, then, by all means, have the time of your life.

But if you’re looking for a longer commitment or a wife or even the mother of your children, then it’s time to really think things through. At this point, it does not matter that you two are obsessed with the MCU, finish each other’s leftovers, or are so in love that you can’t see anyone else.

If she wants to move to Italy to get another degree and your job will hold you back in the country for the next three years, that recipe is just not going to work well for any romantic relationship. Whatever the variables may be, intelligence lies in knowing when a relationship is not going to pan out the way that you need it to.

8. What if she is an abuser?

“Should I break up with my girlfriend because she abuses me?” – all the answers to this question point at one thing – a huge red flag! There’s enough data on the web about toxic relationships that will tell you to answer yourself a big, fat “yes!” when you ask yourself this burning question. Physical abuse is awful, no second thoughts about it.

But not all abusive relationships result in scarred faces and a black eye. Sometimes, abuse in a relationship can be more of a subtle undercurrent that defines your entire dynamic with your partner. This undercurrent is often that of emotional abuse that manifests in the form of blackmailing, manipulation, gaslighting, stonewalling, or verbal abuse.

If your girlfriend is showing the classic signs of being a toxic and abusive partner, make a new task on your to-do list – go knock at her door right away and say, “We are done for good”. Consider this article your sign from the universe and run from this sordid excuse of a relationship. 

Related Reading: 21 Toxic Girlfriend Signs Not Easy To Spot – It’s Her, Not You

9. Her mental health issues are invading your personal life 

This may seem like a cruel reason at first glance, but we have a point, so continue reading. As much as you should push her to go to therapy and get better if you cannot hold her hand through it, don’t force yourself to. If someone has debilitating mental health issues, the last thing they want to feel is that someone is in a relationship with them out of pity.

Besides, dealing with a partner who has mental health issues can take a toll on your own mental health and well-being. So, you need to think pragmatically here and assess whether the depth of your relationship and feelings warrant you putting yourself through that for the sake of being with this person, and not because you are caught in the “I want to break up with my girlfriend but I feel bad” limbo.

If her breakdowns and issues seem to be putting a pin in your own plans and goals for happiness, it might be time to consider doing the more rational thing here. Be as kind and receptive as you can – not to be a good boyfriend, but just to be a decent human being.

10. Should I break up with my girlfriend because she smokes?

This is not a question that we can answer for you. Neither can we label it as one of the signs you should not break up. This is something you need to think more deeply about on your own. How much does it matter to you that she can inhale a pack a day? Does it bother you often or will you be able to get used to it in the long run? 

A lot of men who are anti-smoking consider this a relationship deal-breaker. And it’s up to you to decide whether you share that sentiment or not. My friend Craig dumped his partner, Shauna, because they were living together and he just couldn’t stand her always smoking around the house. 

“Yes, I decided to break up with my girlfriend because she smokes. I told her that she should only smoke outdoors but my apartment always smelt like it was burning. This is just something that irks me on a fundamental level. My friends told me it was a silly reason to leave her, but I just could not stand it anymore. If she truly loved me, she would have stopped,” he said about their breakup. 

Related Reading: 8 Ways You Can Help Your Partner Get Over Drug Addiction

11. Should I walk out of a relationship because she does not value my opinions? 

If she makes you order Chinese food every weekend for dinner despite knowing that you hate wontons, then the answer to, “Should I break up with my girlfriend?”, may well have to be “yes”. It might seem like a frivolous reason on the surface, but dig deeper and you’ll find you have yourself an ignorant and self-absorbed girlfriend. 

Chances are that she won’t just stop at deciding what you two eat every weekend. From that to whether your living room rug should match the drapes or the walls all the way to whether you want to have kids and when, every little decision in your life will be solely governed by her likes, dislikes, and opinion. Now, that doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship to be in, does it?

It’s time to cut your losses and find a girl who at least wants to hear you out. If she repeatedly walks all over you and makes all your decisions for you, it’s time you stand up for yourself and break up with her. This is one of the relationship red flags you just cannot condone.

12. She cheated on me. Should I leave my girlfriend?

Infidelity can be a huge deal breaker for many of us out there. Perhaps the best reason to leave any relationship is if they cheated on you. If putting up with being disrespected like that is something you can’t do, then it’s really not worth dragging the relationship along only to lose your self-esteem in the process.

Some overcome the trauma and some people think of it as the irrevocable finishing line for an otherwise fulfilling relationship. If nightmares like “Would she break up with me for that other man?” is hammering in your head every night, chances are, you will never be able to restore faith in one another without the intervention of a licensed therapist. So, why put yourself through this hell of a painful experience when you can actually move forward to a better future?

“Should I break up with my girlfriend if she cheated on me?” This is a valid question when you’re struggling with the aftermath of being cheated on and it’s in no way a sloppy reason to end a relationship because you deserve better than someone who cannot be faithful to you. She’s a keeper only if she makes your life brighter and not sadder.

Take this ‘Should I break up with my girlfriend’ quiz

Are you muddled with such worries as “My girlfriend lied to me. Should I break up with her?” or “My current relationship feels like a trap. How should I break up with my girlfriend?” Sometimes we sense there’s something wrong between us and our partners for a long time. And yet we can’t seem to act on our apprehension because a lot of other factors often cloud our judgment.

For instance – the fear of not making the right decision, of being a heartbreaker, criticism from friends and family, and so on. Most people turn a blind eye to the obvious signs ‘I should break up with my girlfriend’ and learn to live with an unhappy relationship. We are here to put an end to your dubiety and taking this ‘should I break up with my girlfriend’ quiz might shed some clarity on your situation:

• Does your girlfriend support your journey toward quitting your job and opening your own restaurant? Yes/No
• Does she take initiative in planning date nights or spending quality time together? Yes/No
• Do you feel your major values and morals in life are aligned with that of your girlfriend? Yes/No
• Does she appreciate all the effort you put into making this relationship work? Yes/No
• Does she accuse you of flirting with almost every other girl you talk to – from colleagues to school friends? Yes/No
• Do you think she keeps you in the loop about her plans and whereabouts and always tells the truth? Yes/No
• Is your relationship free from all kinds of verbal and physical abuse? Is it a healthy one? Yes/No
• Do you find yourself growing anxious around her? Are you walking on eggshells? Yes/No
• Does the physical intimacy between you and your girlfriend happen to be fulfilling? Yes/No
• Do you honestly see a future with her? Is she the one? Yes/No

These are important questions in terms of understanding your dynamic with your girl whether it’s a one-sided relationship or not, whether there is honesty and appreciation, whether you are living with a toxic, abusive partner. Now, if you have answered ‘yes’ to at least five or more of these, we see trouble in your paradise. You should probably break it off before the relationship sucks the life out of you.

One last attempt to prevent the relationship from falling apart

You know, destruction comes easy to us. But building, nurturing, and sustaining something for a long time takes all the effort, willpower, and courage you have. So, are you team old-school who hates to let things and people go knowing full well that it might be a bumpy ride in the future? On that note, we believe your girlfriend also deserves a fair chance if you say you share a serious relationship.

Did you know that American psychologist John Gottman has found certain behavioral patterns among couples that can predict divorce/breakup with almost 93% accuracy? Gottman named them the 4 Horsemen of Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. As we go about discussing that one last try to drag this relationship out of the pitfall, Gottman’s antidotes to the 4 horsemen would surely make a place in our list of troubleshooters.

You can always spot a thousand reasons to support your ‘should I break up with my girlfriend?’ cause. But sticking up to the problems to come to a solution is the real task. You think you are up for it? Just a gentle reminder, these home remedies will only work when practiced both ways. After all, relationships are a team effort, right?

Related Reading: 22 Simple Ways To Cheer Up Your Girlfriend

• Use of I-statements: Even though I-statements are often looked down upon as a self-centered mode of communication, Gottman suggests fighting complaints and criticism using the first person pronouns to clearly express your feelings and needs
• Communicate: And not just voice your concerns but pay heed to her side of the story as well. Only when you address a problem with empathy, patience, and an open mind to new perspectives, can you expect to find a reasonable way out
• Appreciation: We humans are a fusion of gifted qualities and certain limitations. Rather than fixating on your girlfriend’s flaws, if you focus on the things she excels at and appreciate her, out loud, you may see some silver lining somewhere around the corner
• Take accountability: One trait of a high-value man is to be able to fess up and be responsible for his actions. If you have blurted something hurtful to her, saying a simple ‘sorry’ and meaning it may spare you hours of bickering in the near future
• Forgive and forget: We are not here to promote that every heinous action of one partner deserves forgiveness of the other. But if you are genuinely interested in making things work, forgiving the bitter experiences you have exchanged earlier would help you restore your peace of mind
• Rekindle the old romance: To bury the hatchet, you have got to find ways to date each other again, to bring back the affectionate touches, to laugh with each other, to try those cute gestures to win each other’s hearts all over again
• Talk to a professional: Are your relationship issues far too intense to be solved by open conversation and candlelight dinners? Then yes, I am thinking what you are thinking. A licensed therapist should be your go-to person right now. Also, just so you know, skilled and experienced counselors on Bonobology’s panel of experts are always here for you

How to end the relationship like a gentleman? 

Still reading? I guess, we have both tried our bit in minimizing your issues with your girlfriend. Now that you have a firm answer to ‘when to break up with someone’, it’s time to put the final nail in the coffin. “How should I break up with my girlfriend?” you ask. Well, unless the situation has deteriorated to the point of name-calling, blackmailing, or character-assassinating each other, you can give a healthy spin to a breakup as well!

At the end of the day, you can’t deny that after all you have been through, you and your girl will always be a part of each other’s story. So, why not make it a little more cordial to look back at? Here’s how you should pull off the breakup so you both can walk out your respective ways like two mature adults who happened to be incompatible with each other:

• The first step toward a clean breakup is always picking the right spot and time wisely
• Do it in person only if you are on good talking terms with each other
• Why choose a crowded place or fancy cafe if you are expecting some meltdown that will only draw public attention?
• On the contrary, for a live-in couple, having this conversation outside would be more convenient so you can leave right after
• In that case, you should have a ‘moving out’ plan handy
• Everybody deserves closure. So, the most gentlemanly way to split up with a romantic partner is to offer them one
• Skip the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ monologue and be upfront about your true feelings
• Although you may want to avoid being too harsh on them. Breakups are heart-reding as it is
• Set some ground rules about your post-breakup association. Are you leaving things on friendly terms? Or this is for sure the last time you are seeing each other’s faces? Clear that up to avoid any on-again, off-again dilemma in future
• Lastly, let this decision sink in your mind for some time prior the D-day, just so you can stand by your resolution and don’t get swayed by her sad eyes at the last minute

This long list might have had some reality checks served alongside hard truths, but this is what you needed to read ever since you started asking yourself more and more, “My girlfriend lied to me. Should I break up with her?” We do want to cheer on a good relationship. But our lives are too short to put ourselves through one that is not meant for us. 

Don’t be disheartened. The right woman is just around the corner. Until then, do right by your girlfriend and yourself even if that means going no-contact with her. In the long run, you will see that you have been on the healthy way because you have prioritized yourself over everything and everyone else.

This article has been updated in Feb, 2023.

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