What It Means With Examples

Do you tell someone you love them all the time, give them gifts, and constantly express how much you appreciate them? And yet despite all that, they complain about how you shy from displays of affection, that you don’t hold their hand and kiss them or hug them enough? It’s clear that their preferred language of love may be physical touch love language, which makes your partner feel loved.

Let’s put it another way. Do you think it is wise to speak Chinese to an Italian, and expect to have your message conveyed? That is what happens when we speak in a love language that is different from the one our partner understands! There are many different types but if your partner is constantly looking for warm hugs or some kind of physical closeness, it is clear that you love someone whose love someone whose love language is physical touch.

It’s Dr. Gary Chapman that introduced the world to the concept of the five primary love languages, out of which, today, we look at the language of physical touch.

We got in touch with Psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle (Ph.D., PGDTA), who specializes in relationship counseling and Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, to understand this form of expression of love. We asked him what physical touch means and how important it is to someone who speaks this language. He also talked to us about the importance of learning your partner’s love language.

What Is Physical Touch Love Language?

In his book, The 5 Love Languages –The Secret To Love That Lasts, Dr. Gary Chapman elaborates on the ways people express and receive love in romantic relationships. He categorizes them into five types of love languages that go as, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation.

He suggests that every person has their dominant way how they express affection and what kind of cues they gravitate toward. It is in the same expression, or language, that this person also likes to receive love from others. When people speak in different languages of love, the expression of love is hampered and can be confusing. Learning about your person’s primary love language in that case becomes imperative, to better understand how they are communicating love to you and what they expect from you as well.

Dr. Bhonsle describes this love language as “a nonverbal way of demonstrating care, affection and attention to someone. Because physical touch conveys a sense of well-being and companionship in ways that sometimes words can’t. It is almost a mnemonic for transmitting warmth,” he says. “It works like a companion piece for saying things like “I love you”, “I care for you”, “I miss you”, “I wish you were here”.”

Understanding the physical touch love language

Physical touch is one of the primary forms of communication of love in childhood, and the primary mode of communication in infanthood. This is why it is one of the more common love languages. “In the world of children,” ays Dr. Bhonsle, “It is often the primary form of affection. It is also the first experience a child has with the world. If you put your finger in a one-day-old baby’s hand, the baby immediately holds on to it, grasps it, almost instinctively.”

Learning the meaning of different love languages helps us observe and identify when someone expresses their affection to us in their own manner. If we can recognize their gestures and their attempt to build a physical connection, we can feel their love. When we don’t understand various love languages, their gestures go unnoticed and we complain that they either don’t love us or don’t show us their love enough.

Similarly, when you love someone very dearly but you still hear complaints that you don’t show it, it is possible that they are not able to recognize your love. Since you are inclined to express your love in your own love language and not theirs, they fail to receive it.

This is why learning your partner’s language of love is one of the ways to improve communication in your relationship. It is an important chapter in the constant pursuit of having a joyful and healthy relationship with the people who are important to us. So that you can express love to them in their language as well as be able to recognize and receive their love when they express it to you.

Dr. Bhonsle says, “You have to cultivate things that make you more palatable to people who are important to you. It’s like if you love someone who doesn’t have English as their first language, you may have to learn their native tongue to be able to communicate more meaningfully to each other.”

But what if understanding another’s love languages does not come naturally to you? Dr. Bhonsle advises making the effort to learn it. “If it doesn’t come intuitively, you have to develop it like any other skill, like cycling, swimming, skating. Unfortunately, in the kind of society all human beings live in, learning the different ways of showing love is not considered a top skill when it should be.”

Related Reading: 35 Questions To Ask Your Husband For A Heart-To-Heart Conversation

How To Use Physical Touch Love Language In Your Relationship?

If physical contact isn’t your love language, but your partner’s is, you are probably wondering how you can learn the ropes of their primary love language to make them happy. In this case, while you do have to make a conscious effort in the relationship to give and receive physical affection, Dr. Bhonsle also advises being intuitive and organic before anything else.

“You can’t give your partner a survey form to fill out because that would be inorganic and weird. But you could be a good observer and have conversations and make mental notes of what your partner is usually open to or resistant to.” His point is, that love is a language, and you can learn it. They might like holding hands when you to go for walks, or enjoy you giving them a back rub after a long, stressful day.

If your partner prizes physical contact over everything else as their preferred way of expressing love, they most often than not express it in several ways we are about to list. Likewise, if you wish to express your love to them, read these examples of intimate affection in a relationship that you can try. Moreover, there also some ways that are not intimate as such, but can create closeness and bonding in your relationship.

Related Reading: 40 Relationship Affirmations To Use For Your Love Life

Intimate:

• Sexual touch: Sex in itself is a physical act of love, so initiate sex more often if you want to improve physical contact in your relationship. Additionally, kissing more often in the act, maintaining eye contact, touching other body parts, entangling fingers, hugging, lying together in bed post-coitus, and sustaining contact long after, can make the act more fulfilling for someone with this love language
• The moments in between: This includes physical expressions such as an unexpected touch on the partner’s arm, neck kissing, taking care of that hard-to-reach zipper or button, rubbing their back when they are sick, giving a foot rub after a long day, making sure your feet touch theirs in bed, holding hands during a walk (Catch the drift?)

Non intimate touches:

• Greeting with a touch: Hugging and kissing when you greet them before asking them about their day. This can make your partner even happier when it involves public displays like kissing their forehead when you met them in a coffee shop or at a bar
• Maintaining touch when conversing: Touching the upper arm or tucking a strand of hair behind the ear, patting the shoulder are some other types of physical touch in relationships. Consider caressing your partner’s hand or stroking your fingers through your partner’s hair
• Physical forms of recreation: Massages, grooming sessions, applying lotion on the back, brushing hair, bath, contact sports, dancing are some of the non sexual touches that can pump up that feel good hormone

Our general advice to you is, observe what your partner likes when it comes to physical gestures. And if you’re in doubt, simply ask them. Observe their reaction when you touch them in a certain way. Knowing that someone’s love language is physical touch doesn’t give anyone the right to touch them in a way they don’t approve of, so do be mindful of their comfort level as well.

Care must be taken to not assume that your partner would appreciate all kinds of touch. Similarly, physical touch in relationships should not be seen as a free pass to initiate sexual touch. Sexual touch is just a small part of this tactile way of expressing of love.

Physical Touch In Long-distance Relationships

It is abundantly clear that this love language requires the contact of skin, and body-to-body closeness. But what about when two people are physically not present together? What happens when you or your dear half, lives in a different city, away from you?

Dr. Bhonsle addresses the core of this paradoxical question. “Physical touch in a long-distance relationship is what is called a practical or a logistical problem. You can’t take a flight to another time zone every time you want to give or receive a hug. It all boils down to creating a workable schedule.”

He further probes into the core issue in long-distance relationships and the need to address that before figuring a way around the problem of being able to physically touch your partner when physically distant from them. Taking our attention to its importance he points out, “a lot of cases of cheating in a long-distance relationship happen because a partner simply misses being touched or wants some kind of sexual intimacy.”

He says, “Usually a lot of long-distance relationships suffer when they have no end in sight. When there is no deadline tied to the distance. A long-distance relationship has to be indexed in certain practicality, of being under the same roof eventually. It is a desirable practicality, after all, why are you in a relationship if not to share each other’s company.”

He advises, “Cultivate some patience. Some patience and some scheduling will be required if you want to see the relationship through and you are committed to the relationship.”

Related Reading: 17 Signs There Is Someone Else In Your Partner’s Life

Solutions for physical touch in long-distance relationships

Having said that, it is possible that you have an end in sight but you still miss exchanging love with your partner through physical acts. It is possible that even if you could take out the time, you do not have the means to fly back and forth frequently.

Till the time you and your partner figure out a plan for your long-distance relationship, there are several love hacks for long distance relationships. More specifically, there are things you could do to compensate for the lack of touch. You may not be able to see your partner, but it doesn’t hurt to get a body pillow and imagine you’re cuddling your partner every night. It won’t be as good as the real thing but it might work for you anyway.

• Share tactile experiences: Exchange a piece of your clothing that smells like you. You could gift them a massage or send something that they can hold in their hands and think of home. Even a giant stuffed animal or a blanket works. Treat these as physical reminders of you
• Verbalize touch: Talk about the touch that you would make if they were near you, during your calls and video chats. Talk about how you would hold them or kiss them. Treat these as verbal reminders of your touch
• Visually express the actions of touch: To blow kisses or planting a kiss on the screen on a video call may seem silly but it could help them imagine it like it were real. Treat these as visual reminders of you touching them

Case in point, be creative and practice some self reflection to truly understand what your relationship needs. The point is to try to remind your partner and be reminded of the touch that you had when you two were, in fact, physically together with each other. This memory and visualization will help you two hold the fort until the time you can actually be back together again.

Having said all of the above, it is important to note that when talking about touch do not take any step outside the domain of the consent of the other person. The role of consent is unparalleled, even more so in the case of something like physical touch in relationships. Dr. Bhonsle says, “Physical touch is a way of giving the other person an opportunity to interact and engage with you, and vice versa but in a non-threatening and consensual way.”

This article was updated in August 2023.

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