10 Things To Do When You Are Drifting Apart In Your Relationship

You know you are drifting apart in a relationship when the fairy tale first days seem like a thing of the past. The mushiness, the untimed phone calls, late-night ice-cream sessions – all seem like a distant dream. If you and your partner are reminiscing about the good old days, or, worse, you aren’t, chances are you’re going through a rough phase in the relationship. And the memories of the fairy tale first days, or the honeymoon phase as we like to call it, are that is left.

Something is definitely up. Living with a distant partner can leave you feeling truly unsettled. Losing the romance, feeling disconnected from each other, being out with friends more than being with each other are just a few signs your relationship is falling apart.

What Does It Mean To Be Drifting Apart In The Relationship?

Like soda bottles fizzling out after the cap is opened. Consider that an analogy for growing apart. Think of your relationship as a bottle of Coke. While capped and unopened, the fizz is intact. The fizz is the wholesomeness of the relationship.

Drifting apart in a relationship happens when you no longer:

• Connect with your partner
• Share the gory details of a colleague getting fired
• Feel the need to hug or touch each other
• Make eye contact or make date nights happen

You sort of just get into your jammies and hit the bed. Your conversations are limited to the occasional “What do you want for dinner?”. These are some subtle signs you are growing apart in marriage.

If you’re a couple drifting apart, the key is to not let the ever-growing space between you get to you. Every relationship stalls at some point. It gets to a point when you do not text every day, don’t spend time with one another, or take weekend trips together anymore. You’re sort of just hanging there, taking the relationship for granted and not willing to bring the fizz back in the relationship. Let’s dive deeper into why that happens.

What causes couples to drift apart

Psychotherapist Dr. Aman Bhonsle puts it best when he says, “A bully is the most toxic person to be around. They never let you be your own person, and walk all over your authenticity.” As he puts it, not letting your partner be their own person is equivalent to bullying them.

So, maybe you’re growing apart in a marriage because one partner looks at the other as *someone who needs fixing*. Is one of you always trying to transform the other fundamentally? If yes, then it’s one of the signs your relationship is falling apart. Let’s look at the other possible reasons for the same:

1. Not being able to create a balance

Research points out that a flawed work-life balance spills over into personal relationships. People tend to overwork, get stressed and then take it all out on their partners. So, one of the reasons for drifting apart could be not being able to find the right equilibrium.

A relationship gets messed up when there is an imbalance. Work and relationship, family and relationship, friends and relationship, me-time and relationship…the list goes. To find that balance, you have to consciously put effort in a relationship, it doesn’t just happen on its own.

I’ve seen many couples growing apart, owing to lack of time management and bad organizational skills. Doing everything in the right amount is the secret to bliss in your romantic paradise. Spending way too much time with your partner as well as burying yourself in work to avoid facing the monotony of your relationship are both examples of common relationship mistakes.

2. Not listening enough

Art Rios in his book, Let’s Talk: …About Making Your Life Exciting, Easier, And Exceptional, rightly points out, “When I consider the people I admire, a quality most of them share is that they’re very good listeners. For many of us, we always want to get in edgewise, what we feel is more important to say. Yet, if we would learn to listen more than we speak, we could have better conversations and forge deeper connections. Plus, there would be less misunderstandings in the world.”

Art Rios makes total sense. Lack of effective communication could be why your relationship is drifting apart. Are your expecting your partner to magically read your mind? Are you unable to communicate your needs, desires and wants? These are signs you have serious communication issues in your relationship.

3. Expecting too much

Actor Jeff Bridges once said, “In life and in movies, it’s a similar challenge, where you have expectations, and you end up in situations that are not meeting your expectations.” So, maybe your relationship is drifting apart because you expect your partner to be your lover, your mother, your best friend, your mentor, all at the same time.

Not setting expectations realistically is one of the relationship challenges almost everyone has to face. Every once in a while, remind yourself that your partner is just another human being and not some divine entity who can’t make errors. One of the most common reasons for drifting apart is partners being unforgiving of each other’s mistakes.

But how to stop drifting apart in a relationship? Are you looking for ways to build emotional intimacy and feel connected to your partner again? Don’t worry, we’ve got your back! Here are some ways to reconnect with your partner.

10 Things To Do When You Are Drifting Apart In Your Relationship

Chances are you’re thinking “My girlfriend is distant, we’ve grown apart” and that’s why you’re here. But, as mentioned earlier, it is totally natural for a relationship to plateau every once in a while. What seems like the end, may not actually be it. So, before you mistake this for one of the major relationship red flags, consider this list on how to reconnect in a relationship.

1. Start with the touch

If you were the kind of couple who held hands at the mall, being distant in a relationship could mean not holding hands anymore. The lack of touch is scary because you always liked it when she held your hands while crossing a busy street. So, start with the occasional touch.

Not the grab-her-by-her-ass in public kind of touch, but more passionate, less anatomical. Humans are built to feel a connection through touch and these are surefire ways for reconnecting with partner again:

• A simple pat on the arm/back/shoulder
• Short hugs/cheek kisses before leaving for work
• Resting your head on their shoulder
• Massaging their shoulders/hands

2. Take the first step

You know you’re outgrowing someone you love when you are there with each other but not really there. You might be busy with your phones and, except for the occasional exchange of information, you have nothing to talk about. So, take the first step. Instead of burying your heads in your phones or laptops, establish eye contact and start the conversation.

How to fix a relationship that’s drifting apart? Don’t use your phone as an escape. Put it aside immediately and address the problem with your partner. If your partner is emotionally still invested in the relationship, they would not avoid the conversation. Let your gadgets not pull you away from each other.

Related Reading: 25 Most Romantic Gestures For Him

3. Do not play the blame game

It’s easy to blame each other for the rut in the relationship. In fact, many people just resort to blame-shifting when they’re not able to figure out what is actually wrong with the relationship. It’s easy to go:

• “You work too much”
• “You spend more time with your friends”
• “You barely acknowledge me anymore”

Replace the yous with us. Instead of placing blame on each other, try talking about solutions. You are not there to figure out who is responsible for the drifting apart scene. You are still with each other and working together to get yourselves out of the rut you are in. So, work towards it, not against each other. This is an important thing to remember for growing as a couple.

4. Bring back the spark

Bring back the ice-cream sessions at midnight. Or anything equivalent that you both enjoy immensely. Here are some examples:

• If midnight movies were your thing once, try doing that once a month
• If role-playing was your thing back then, surprise her with a sub-dom variation of cosplay
• If you used to shop together, make it a Sunday ritual that you can’t miss

Not all your efforts may be well-received, but at least you are putting in small efforts that make big difference. If your partner too wants to reconnect your relationship, they will appreciate the effort. To stop drifting apart in a relationship, you must remind your partner of all that used to bring you together in the first place. It will also open up avenues to talk about what’s going wrong in the relationship.

5. Do not project your feelings

How to give space in a relationship without drifting apart is very important. In fact, time apart in a relationship will help you process those feelings. It’s natural to feel sad and sometimes angry. But do not lash out at your partner. Nothing good would come out of it. You have to find healthy ways to manage your anxiety.

When you’re done taking space, make sure you spend time together. The easiest way to reconnect your relationship is to spend quality time with your SO. The key is to identify the problem and work on it instead of fixating on the same. Think of the happy days and show your partner that the relationship can be better than ever before.

6. Start a conversation

If she was the kind to text you during work hours (and you liked it) but doesn’t do it anymore, leave her a kind text. “I liked how we texted even while working. I miss it”. It’s possible that they have also recognized the problem but are unwilling to bring it up, same as you.

If you are both thinking about the same thing, it might be the start of working on the relationship. However, do not be too clingy or demanding about the same. Simply bring it up to see if they are concerned about it too. The most important tip on how to stop drifting apart in a relationship is to express your desires, even if it feel uncomfortable.

Related Reading: How To Make Up After A Fight

7. Treat your relationship like its brand new

Remember how close an attention you paid when you just started going out? Treat your relationship like that right now. Instead of sitting at home and complaining, “My husband would rather watch tv than spend time with me”, do something about it instead!

Set out to re-woo your partner. If necessary, tell them you are out to re-seduce them again. It might seem a little odd at first, but it might help. Bring that honeymoon phase back. Here are some ways to reconnect with your partner:

• Leave small sticky love notes on their phone/desk, saying “Thank you for being in my life”
• Give them a short call just to say, “Good morning. Have a great day ahead, Love”
• Flirt with them/say something like, “Working out again? No wonder you’ve got all that muscle”

8. Settle your priorities

One of our readers wrote to us, “I have nothing in common with my husband. Please help, my relationship is falling apart!”. In situations like this, spouses start looking for distractions elsewhere. That doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is sleeping with someone else. They might go out with friends too many nights in a row. Or bring work back home.

If you’re one of the couples growing apart, it’s time to bring in the big guns. Make each other your priority. Even if that means cooking together on a Friday night. Let them know they are your top priority. You don’t need to be the same person as your SO. But you can work hard and look for new things that you both enjoy. You have two options, grow together or grow apart.

9. Revisit old places

Are there specific places you visited at the start of the relationship? Probably the café behind your college where you both talked about your feelings for the first time? Suggest going there. Did you first make out in a cemetery? Try going there again and take a trip down memory lane to stop drifting apart in a relationship and rekindle love.

When one spouse grows and the other doesn’t, you should reminisce about what got you together in the first place. Visiting the same places might help you rekindle the sexual intimacy. People change. It’s okay and happens all the time. The key to a happy marriage is to accommodate those changes. You can grow in your separate lives but still find ways to stay connected.

10. Make love, don’t just have sex

In a relationship stuck in reverse, or in a ditch, sex becomes more of stress relief or a momentary revival of connection. But that rarely lasts. Don’t just have sex. Make love to each other. Talk about what you liked during the lovemaking session and what else would you like to do. Affection and passion play huge roles in bringing you closer in a relationship that’s drifting apart so cuddle and communicate afterwards.

Drifting apart in a relationship does not mean the end of the relationship. Know it’s temporary but treat it with a permanent solution. How to give space in a relationship without drifting apart is an important part of it. Also, don’t ever feel guilty for your growth. Stop feeling bad for outgrowing people who had the chance to grow with you.

Finally, Dr Bhonsle advises, “You should take couples therapy to know where you stand and why you are standing there. A therapist will give you objective advice and will maintain confidentiality (unlike your relatives/neighbors/friends). So many of my clients have gotten back together after taking couples therapy.” If you are looking for professional help, our counselors from Bonobology’s panel are just a click away.

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