Breakup

It’s Not You, It’s Me – Breakup Excuse? What It Really Means

“It’s not you, it’s me” is the classic breakup line people use when they are bored of their relationship and want to date someone else. They were once in love with you but they don’t feel the same way now so they use this tactic called pseudo-compassion wherein a statement looks very compassionate but in reality, it’s not. For example, “You deserve better” often translates to “I have fallen out of love with you/I definitely deserve better” or “God, I wish the timing was right” translates as “Long-distance is such a pain/I just want to explore drugs and casual sex, in peace.”

So, what does it mean when people say “it’s not you, it’s me” when nothing went wrong and the two of you were as happy as can be? Let’s find out with the help of counseling psychologist Kranti Momin (Masters in Psychology), who is an experienced CBT practitioner and specializes in various domains of relationship counseling.

It’s Not You, It’s Me: What It Really Means

Author Caroline Hanson has rightly stated, “I know when someone tells you they are doing ‘what’s best for you,’ you’re screwed. Those are not words you want to hear. It’s right up there with ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.” There, she said it. But then, why would someone opt for such a cliché, vague, mysterious and confusing way to end a relationship? “It’s me, not you” – let’s find out what these words really mean:

1. It’s not you, it’s me = I don’t have the courage to be honest

“Sorry, it’s not you, it’s me” is a defense mechanism where a person tries to rationalize the thought of a breakup, according to Kranti Momin. She says, “Since people feel bad about hurting their partners, they find ways to make themselves feel better about it. They project.” You might have lost interest in them or maybe you’re comfortable in the relationship but not in love anymore.

Thing is, you do still feel affectionate toward your partner and you don’t want to hurt them by being honest. You don’t want to be a heart-breaker. So what do you do when they text you: “Is everything alright with us, babe?” How do you respond to a text you don’t want to answer? You fake niceties and take all the blame so that you feel less guilty about dumping your partner.

You might think you’re using the “it’s me, it’s not you” reason because you want to cause less pain to your loved one but the truth is that you are doing it for your peace of mind – so that you feel less of a sinner and so that you can sleep better at night. So, when a girl says “it’s not you, it’s me,” it looks like it comes from a place of selflessness but it might be just plain selfish.

See also  9 Expert Ways To Let Go Of Hurt And Betrayal In Relationships

For more expert-backed insights, please subscribe to our YouTube Channel.

2. It is you, after all

Kranti points out, “When he says it’s not you, it’s me, it is definitely him. During counseling sessions, I’ve seen people come up with poor excuses for breakups. That’s the sad truth.

“For example, not liking the body type of a person (even when the person has all the other qualities like being super caring and loving). People feel ashamed of telling the truth in such cases as their conscience doesn’t allow them.” So, to not sound rude, they choose to say “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Related Reading: 20 Free Examples Of Breakup Letters And Tips

3. It’s not you, it’s me meaning: I have found someone else

On the question of why a man says “it’s not you, it’s me,” Kranti Momin responds, “He might be cheating on you. It could be one of the cheating guilt signs you need to watch out for. In such a case, you are not going to get the real reasons for the breakup, no matter how much you try. Obviously, they won’t tell you that there is someone new. They will just conveniently say: it’s not you, it’s me.”

How is it possible that they were head over heels in love with you a few days back and now they are acting as if they don’t deserve you? They are making it look like they aren’t worthy of your love. These are clear indications that they are either thinking about cheating on you or they must have already done the deed and are trying to hide their guilt by showing their pseudo-compassion.

4. I am going through something major

Sometimes “it’s not you, it’s me” means exactly how it sounds. What if they are going through depression? Or just lost a parent. Or quit their job to start something from scratch. Maybe they are going through a midlife crisis or some personal issues like depression, work rejection, or a major financial crisis they don’t want to share with you.

Such a major change may be making them push you away. Perhaps, they need some alone time to figure it all out. But whatever the issue is, it needs to be communicated to you effectively. Just saying “it’s not you, it’s me” doesn’t suffice. Ending a relationship on good terms can actually save a lot of post-breakup damage.

more stories about breakup and loss

5. I constantly feel I will never be good enough for you

Sometimes, when someone says it’s not you, it’s me, it is more of a cry for help. Maybe they are genuinely going down the hole of self-hatred because they have put you on a pedestal and think that they don’t match up to you. If your partner is going through something like this, you need to ask yourself – Are you doing something to constantly trigger their inferiority complex? Do you consistently make them feel that they are unworthy and that you can do better? 

Related Reading: How To Break Up With Someone Long Distance

It’s Not You, It’s Me — The Right Way To Break Up?

It’s very difficult to respond to the “it’s not you, it’s me” breakup conversation. You might want to ask them, “Why are you letting me go if there is nothing wrong with me?” Kranti says, “It all depends on how well you take it. Some see it coming because they can notice things going haywire in the relationship. Try to ask them the real reasons for the breakup.”

See also  15 Most Common Reasons For Divorce

Since people are left confused when their partners break up with them without any reason, being honest is the ideal way to end a relationship. So, however tempting it seems, the “it’s not you, it’s me” tactic is not the right way to break up with someone as moving on without closure is very difficult. 

Kranti says, “It doesn’t bring peace to your partner and they are kept hanging. Every person deserves closure, otherwise it scars them. If you don’t tell your partner the real reasons for ending the relationship, they may develop a fear of commitment and trust issues in the future.

“Don’t sound demeaning, rude, or hurtful, but please tell your partner the real reasons for the breakup. Don’t leave them guessing. If you have drifted apart, tell them you have. If you don’t want anything serious, tell them. Do communicate.” On the other hand, if you don’t like the way they look or speak or behave, don’t go into specifics. Just say something along the lines of “I am overanalyzing you and picking on every detail. It’s unfair to you and I need to figure out what I really want from a partner.”

Or if you have a ‘type’ in your mind and they are not able to tick the boxes of your expectations, say, “I am looking for too many things in one person. Maybe I will never find the ideal relationship I have in my mind. But I want to do justice to myself and give it a try.”

What to do when someone breaks up with you saying “It’s not you, it’s me”

A very famous saying goes, “The way they leave tells you everything.” If you are thinking about leaving someone by throwing around the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line, it will only show them your weak character. But if someone has left you by using that heart wrenching statement, here are some things you can do:

  • Respond to them without any resentment because they have shown their real nature. Be the bigger person and respond maturely by saying, “Yes. I know it’s you. Thanks for showing that I deserve better”
  • Don’t badmouth them to others
  • Try to move on without closure. If that seems impossible, talk to them and have a closure conversation
  • Stay in touch with your friends and family, don’t isolate yourself
  • Don’t force them to love you
  • Practice self-care
  • Believe that you will find love again

Key Pointers

  • “It’s not me, it’s you” is a famous excuse to break up with someone that people use when they are bored of the relationship or have fallen out of love
  • Some other possible reasons that someone could use such a bad reason include infidelity or other major issues like depression or a family problem
  • If someone doesn’t want to be with you, don’t lower your self-esteem by begging them to stay. Always leave the door open for those who want to exit your life
See also  15 Subtle Yet Strong Signs Your Marriage Will End In Divorce

People often choose this line because it requires effort to tell someone why you fell out of love with them or what made them cheat. It’s an easy way out. Don’t let them believe they are the victim here. They are the ones who hurt you, so don’t let them guilt-trip you. Just hold your head high and move on.

This article was updated in April 2023.

FAQs

1. Is “it’s not you, it’s me” true?

Most of the time, no. It is just a coping mechanism to avoid sharing the real reasons for a breakup. Either the person who’s breaking up is too ashamed of those reasons or doesn’t want to be remembered as a villain. Either way, when things go bad in a relationship, it’s rarely a single person’s fault. Even if it’s true, you deserve more of an explanation as to why they are saying that.

2. How do you respond to “it’s not you, it’s me”?

It is a very vague statement and you might actually not know what to say to it. You can try asking them the real reasons for the breakup. And if they don’t give it, the last thing you want to do is beg them or plead them for closure. Close this chapter and start moving on. 

3. What does it mean when a girl says “it’s not me”?

She is not taking accountability at all. Blaming you for everything is unfair. She is just not brave enough to admit that she was at fault too. It takes two to tango… or to mess up a relationship. Admit what you did wrong. Don’t internalize the blame for anything that you didn’t do and move on. 

7 Steps To Ensure Closure After A Breakup – Are You Following These?

9 Expert Tips To Cope With Depression After Breakup

7 Stages Of Grief After A Breakup: Tips To Move On



Source link

Related Articles

153 Comments

  1. I truly love your blog.. Excellent colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself? Please reply back as I’m planning to create my very own website and want to know where you got this from or what the theme is called. Appreciate it!

  2. I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here. The sketch is tasteful, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get bought an nervousness over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this increase.

  3. Hi just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t loading correctly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue. I’ve tried it in two different browsers and both show the same results.

  4. Thanks for the marvelous posting! I actually enjoyed reading it, you can be a great author.I will be sure to bookmark your blog and will eventually come back at some point. I want to encourage yourself to continue your great job, have a nice morning!

  5. A fascinating discussion is worth comment. I believe that you ought to write more on this issue, it might not be a taboo subject but usually people do not speak about such subjects. To the next! Cheers!!

  6. When I originally commented I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a comment is added I recieve four emails with the same comment. Is there a means you can remove me from that service? Cheers!

  7. Have you ever thought about publishing an e-book or guest authoring on other sites? I have a blog based upon on the same information you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my subscribers would enjoy your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e mail.

  8. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be precisely what I’m looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for you? I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on some of the subjects you write in relation to here. Again, awesome web log!

  9. Howdy! Do you know if they make any plugins to help with SEO? I’m trying to get my blog to rank for some targeted keywords but I’m not seeing very good results. If you know of any please share. Thanks!

  10. Good day! I know this is kinda off topic however I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in exchanging links or maybe guest writing a blog article or vice-versa? My website discusses a lot of the same subjects as yours and I believe we could greatly benefit from each other. If you are interested feel free to send me an e-mail. I look forward to hearing from you! Awesome blog by the way!

  11. Have you ever thought about creating an e-book or guest authoring on other websites? I have a blog based upon on the same subjects you discuss and would really like to have you share some stories/information. I know my viewers would value your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e-mail.

  12. Please let me know if you’re looking for a article writer for your site. You have some really great posts and I think I would be a good asset. If you ever want to take some of the load off, I’d really like to write some material for your blog in exchange for a link back to mine. Please blast me an e-mail if interested. Thank you!

  13. Link exchange is nothing else but it is only placing the other person’s webpage link on your page at proper place and other person will also do same for you.

  14. Hey, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your blog site in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, very good blog!

  15. I know this if off topic but I’m looking into starting my own blog and was wondering what all is required to get set up? I’m assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I’m not very internet savvy so I’m not 100% positive. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. Cheers

  16. I simply could not leave your web site prior to suggesting that I extremely enjoyed the standard information a person supply in your visitors? Is going to be back regularly in order to check up on new posts

  17. This is the right blog for anyone who really wants to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I personally would want toHaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic that has been written about for many years. Great stuff, just excellent!

  18. I think what you postedtypedsaidthink what you postedtypedsaidbelieve what you postedwrotethink what you postedtypedWhat you postedtypedsaid was very logicala lot of sense. But, what about this?think about this, what if you were to write a killer headlinetitle?content?wrote a catchier title? I ain’t saying your content isn’t good.ain’t saying your content isn’t gooddon’t want to tell you how to run your blog, but what if you added a titleheadlinetitle that grabbed a person’s attention?maybe get a person’s attention?want more? I mean %BLOG_TITLE% is a little plain. You could look at Yahoo’s home page and watch how they createwrite news headlines to get viewers to click. You might add a video or a related pic or two to get readers interested about what you’ve written. Just my opinion, it might bring your postsblog a little livelier.

  19. Hello there, simply become aware of your blog thru Google, and found that it is really informative. I’m gonna watch out for brussels. I will appreciate for those who continue this in future. Lots of other folks shall be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

  20. Hey there, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues. When I look at your blog in Chrome, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping. I just wanted to give you a quick heads up! Other then that, wonderful blog!

  21. Hello there! This is kind of off topic but I need some help from an established blog. Is it tough to set up your own blog? I’m not very techincal but I can figure things out pretty fast. I’m thinking about creating my own but I’m not sure where to start. Do you have any points or suggestions? Thank you

  22. We stumbled over here coming from a different website and thought I might check things out. I like what I see so now i am following you. Look forward to exploring your web page again.

  23. Undeniably consider that that you stated. Your favourite justification appeared to be at the internet the simplest thing to be mindful of. I say to you, I definitely get irked at the same time as other folks consider concerns that they plainly do not realize about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as welland also defined out the whole thing with no need side effect , other folks can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thank you

  24. I am extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one these days.

  25. Это лучшее онлайн-казино, где вы можете насладиться широким выбором игр и получить максимум удовольствия от игрового процесса.

  26. Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this website. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s very difficult to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appeal. I must say you have done a excellent job with this. Additionally, the blog loads extremely fast for me on Opera. Outstanding Blog!

  27. Hmm is anyone else experiencing problems with the images on this blog loading? I’m trying to figure out if its a problem on my end or if it’s the blog. Any feed-back would be greatly appreciated.

  28. My programmer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using Movable-type on a variety of websites for about a year and am worried about switching to another platform. I have heard excellent things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress content into it? Any kind of help would be really appreciated!

  29. I’m not sure where you are getting your info, but good topic. I needs to spend some time learning more or understanding more. Thanks for great information I was looking for this information for my mission.

  30. Ищете профессионалов для устройства стяжки пола в Москве? Обратитесь к нам на сайт styazhka-pola24.ru! Мы предлагаем услуги по залитию стяжки пола любой сложности и площади, а также гарантируем быстрое и качественное выполнение работ.

  31. Ищете профессионалов для механизированной штукатурки стен в Москве? Обратитесь к нам на сайт mehanizirovannaya-shtukaturka-moscow.ru! Мы предлагаем услуги по машинной штукатурке стен любой сложности и площади, а также гарантируем быстрое и качественное выполнение работ.

  32. Не знаете, какой подрядчик выбрать для штукатурки стен? Обратитесь к нам на сайт mehanizirovannaya-shtukaturka-moscow.ru! Мы предоставляем услуги по машинной штукатурке стен любой площади и сложности, а также гарантируем высокое качество работ и доступные цены.

  33. Unquestionably consider that that you stated. Your favourite justification appeared to be at the net the simplest thing to have in mind of. I say to you, I definitely get irked at the same time as other people consider worries that they plainly do not recognise about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as welland also defined out the whole thing with no need side effect , folks can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thank you

  34. constantly i used to read smaller articles or reviews which also clear their motive, and that is also happening with this piece of writing which I am reading here.

  35. Hi there! I could have sworn I’ve been to this website before but after going through some of the posts I realized it’s new to me. Anyways, I’m definitely pleased I found it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back frequently!

  36. I’ve been exploring for a little for any high-quality articles or blog posts in this kind of space . Exploring in Yahoo I finally stumbled upon this site. Reading this info So i’m glad to exhibit that I have a very good uncanny feeling I came upon exactly what I needed. I so much undoubtedly will make certain to don?t fail to remember this web site and give it a look on a constant basis.

  37. Unquestionably believe that that you stated. Your favourite justification appeared to be at the net the simplest thing to keep in mind of. I say to you, I definitely get irked at the same time as folks consider concerns that they plainly do not recognise about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing with no need side effect , folks can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thank you

  38. Can I simply say what a relief to find someone who truly knows what they’re talking about on the net. You certainly know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More and more people should look at this and understand this side of the story. It’s surprising you aren’t more popular because you definitely have the gift.

  39. We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with valuable information to work on. You have done an impressive job and our whole community will be grateful to you.

  40. Hi there! This article couldn’t be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous roommate! He always kept talking about this. I’ll forward this article to him. Pretty sure he’ll have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

  41. My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find many of your post’s to be what precisely I’m looking for. Would you offer guest writers to write content for you? I wouldn’t mind producing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write in relation to here. Again, awesome web log!

  42. I really love your blog.. Excellent colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself? Please reply back as I’m looking to create my own website and would like to learn where you got this from or what the theme is called. Many thanks!

  43. Greetings from Colorado! I’m bored to tears at work so I decided to check out your site on my iphone during lunch break. I enjoy the info you present here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home. I’m shocked at how quick your blog loaded on my mobile .. I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyhow, very good site!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Back to top button